Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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