I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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