My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
