This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
