end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
