I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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