Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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