WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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