I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
