Plan B is the new Plan A
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
