Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
