I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Randomize
