Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
