Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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