Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
