Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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