nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
