omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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