he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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