Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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