He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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