I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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