Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
