Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
