If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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