she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
