Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
