i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
