oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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