jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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