I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
