dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
