it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
