I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I still have a little drunk in my system
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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