foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
