I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
