your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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