Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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