nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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