My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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