My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
