Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
