genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
