I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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