if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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