I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
