The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
