how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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