the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
