God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
