I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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