i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
